everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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