you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
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