This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
