my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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