hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
