I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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