well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
