Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
