see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
