the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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