i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
i believe in u and ur pee
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