did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
