And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
