Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
did i walk over a car last night?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
