Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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