...so i touched it.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
