Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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