So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
