yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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