Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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