i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I look excited, but its just a facade.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
