she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
