peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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