so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
