This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
