Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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