The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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