Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
