my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
