FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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