I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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