dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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