Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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