Just fell off a train. Bad.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
