see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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