Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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