True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
