just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
