ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
