Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
please come you make the beer taste better
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
