MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
