guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
