When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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