my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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