I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You can't motorboat a personality
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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