What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
