Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
