11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
