After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
