she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
