Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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