Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
