When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
