I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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