I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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